Monday, August 8, 2016

How to survive the stomach flu with two toddlers in four easy steps!



Hello again! It's me, the girl who had the stomach flu. To be honest I don't think I've thrown up (from the stomach flu anyway wink wink) since about 1988. So when my son came up to me and said, "mama, my tummy hur-BLAAAAAAAH!!!" I didn't think his "blaaaaah-ing" would really affect me. Sure having throw up all over my hands, chest and face upped the risk of me ingesting his virus but I was SURE that by force of will, I would not get sick. Mind over matter and all that.

I got sick.

That night I nursed my little guy through a few more bouts of throwing up and made sure he was covered in towels, fresh blankets, plastic bowls (which he ignored) and lots of fresh water and Pedialyte. By morning he was bright eyed and full of manic energy. There is some law of nature that ensures the second your children recover from any kind of illness you will come down with that same illness times ten. As I struggled out of bed and made my children breakfast feeling more and more nauseous I realized that I had come down with - dum dum duuuuuuuuum- The Stomach Flu.

So, how does one survive the stomach flu with two toddlers? Let's find out in these four easy steps!

1. Allow your children an hour of educational screen time while you rest. 

Lie on couch fighting urge to throw up. Three year old will run in circles around you shouting "Outside mama! Sprinklers! I wanna ride my bike!" 18 month old will climb onto your lap and bounce on your stomach. Tell toddler, "Honey, please don't bounce on mama, that hurts." Toddler giggles and bounces harder. Toddler then gets down, grabs book and whines "Up peas! Up peas!" Groggily lift her up to have hard edge of book shoved into your eye. Ice eye and decide you need peace and quiet, fast. Cue Elmo. Quickly grab dvd called "Elmo's Stories" while children cheer "Yaaay!!!" Proceed to close eyes and rest- YEEEEEE HAAAAW I'M MARIA THE COWGUUUUUUURL!!!! GET ALONG LITTLE DOGGIES!!!! Scramble to turn volume down forgetting that this particular Elmo dvd is the most annoying dvd in your kid's entire collection of annoying children shows. Listen to hammy adults talk and sing in fake country western accents at an energy level (and volume) way above normal.

Proceed to throw up.

2. Explain calmly and rationally to your children that mommy is sick. 

The conversation will go something like this...in your mind.

Mom: Dearest children, please come here. Now just so you know, mother isn't feeling her best. I know we normally play educational math games in the morning and then have our nutritious snacks of broccoli florets dipped in homemade hummus but today mother simply must rest.

Children: I'm so sorry you're feeling unwell mother. Please, lay down and rest! We will finish the laundry and be sure to play quietly with our puzzles and books while you take a five hour nap. Don't worry about lunch, we will just live off our baby fat.

The conversation will go like this...in reality.

Mom: Can you please just STOP JUMPING ON THE COUCH for a few minutes. I'm might throw up. Guys I'm sick. Give me a BREAK!

Children: MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA!!! I want a cracker please (you get cracker and lie down), I NEED WATER PLEASE (you get water and lie down), NO I WANT MY THOMAS THE TRAIN CUUUUUUUP (you get Thomas the train cup and lie down), I WANNA GO OUTSIDE! RIDE BIKE IN THE FRONT YAAAARD!!

Proceed to throw up.

3. Take advantage of all of your nutritious leftovers to serve for lunch and dinner so you do not have to prepare anything in your sick state. 

Open fridge. Fight the urge to throw up at sight of food. Realize that not only do you not have any leftovers, but you don't really have ANY food at all. Sit kids at table. Turn on TV (see step one). Give children a few stale pretzels, slice of apple and cheese crackers. Be sure to give them each three animal crackers for eating all of their hypothetical vegetables.

Proceed to throw up.

4. Have a wonderful supportive husband work from home and take over all child rearing duties while you lie in bed watching Netflix on your phone and eat popsicles.

I love my husband.

Proceed to throw up. 


There you have it! How to survive the stomach flue with two toddlers in four easy steps! I hope you learned something. Like be sure to wash your hands after your child throws up on them.

Adios! Until the next post.



2 comments:

  1. My son and his wife just went through this with their 3 kids. It started with Lily (age 2) and rotated to Erika, then the parents, and finally ended with Corbin (age 8). Fortunately, Grandma & Grandpa kept their distance. The good news is it didn't last too long.

    Hope you and yours are feeling better too.

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    1. Ack! Your poor son and family! We were lucky enough that the flu spared my daughter and husband. I hope everyone is feeling better!

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