Monday, July 13, 2015

How to Lose 15 Pounds in just 30 Minutes

Hello and welcome to the blog post that is going to CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

 Today I'd like to share with you a NEW and EXCITING way in which you (yes YOU) can lose up to 15 LBS (that's pounds) in just 30 minutes! 

This is a weight LOSS plan that EVERY MOTHER needs to know.

This EASY and FAST weigh loss trick is EASY...and fast. It does NOT involve starving yourself or working out to the point of physical exhaustion.

HOW many times have you tried COUNTLESS diets only to find you lose motivation and end up binge eating after only a few weeks?

HOW many times have you felt CONFUSED by all the new, trendy, FAD diets (Paleo, Lo-Carb, High fat, South Beach, Grapefruit) and don't know which one will work the BEST for you?

I'm going to share with you a plan that will have you STOP binging and purging and start LOSING weight with NO EFFORT!

STOP starving yourself and follow these EASY STEPS to INSTANTLY lose up to 15 pounds in just 30 minutes, ONCE A WEEK!

This SECRET to EASY weight loss has been known by mothers for THOUSANDS of years. It's so EASY, it will blow your mind that you've never THOUGHT of it yourself. Actually, it's pretty STUPID of you that you haven't come up with this yet.

EVEN so, what I'm going to share with you only takes 10 EASY STEPS.  Just sign up for this LIMITED OFFER in which I share with you ONE STEP PER WEEK for a MERE $99.95. 

OR you can just SCROLL down and read these SECRET YET OH SO EASY STEPS for yourself with NO STRINGS ATTACHED!!!! DO IT ALREADY! MY VOICE HURTS FROM YELLING!
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10 EASY STEPS FOR MOTHERS TO LOSE WEIGHT IN 30 MINUTES OR LESS. 

1. Have two children (or one but make sure he's between 18 months and three years old).

2. Take children to park during nap time, lunch time, or a time they don't feel well.

3. Make sure to arrive at park while swings are in use.

4. Watch toddler melt down while waiting for swing to become available.

5. Once available, swing toddler for a few minutes. When done, take toddler out of swings while strategically holding seven month old (who is now hungry).  

6. Sit by another group of toddlers who have all brought matchstick cars to play with.

7. Realize you never bring toys for your toddler to play with at the playground.

8. Watch as your toddler begins crying while well meaning dad runs to car to get more toys.

9. Watch as your toddler begins kicking and screaming in utter despair as other toddlers don't want to share new toys.

* Tip: It helps if your toddler has a speech delay to make anxiety and frustration extra high. 

10. Strategically grab a psychotic toddler and now screaming infant to stroller and attempt to buckle both in (ensure it takes at least 9 times to get toddler in securely) while at least three other parents with babies watch in horror (and terror).

THAT'S IT! Follow these EASY 10 steps and you will LOSE up to 15 pounds GUARANTEED or your money back.


***disclaimer***
Cup of Jackie is not responsible for any Post Traumatic Stress you might endure. Cup of Jackie is not liable for any damages to toddler, baby, playground equipment, toys, or parents that might occur. Common side effects include nausea, tears, feeling judged, yelling, sweating, and hyperventilating. If you should feel common side effects coming on, Cup of Jackie recommends eating at least two chocolate donuts immediately. 


Adios! Until the next post. 


6 comments:

  1. Not responsible for feeling judged. LOL! This post was amazing! You really have a knack for spam copywriting, honey! I would have clicked paypal for 99.95 if you would have had it available. I laughed so hard I lost 15 pounds by the end of the post.

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    1. I should quit my day job (of parenting) and contact the King of Central Africa and offer to do their copywriting for those emails you get about their great Aunt being sick and needing a loan of cash.

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  2. I'm with Linda. We had 3 tykes and the house last night and will have 4 this evening. Fortunately, their parents will be on site this time, but that will have little impact on the level of chaos. I'm sure Connie and I will lose some weight early in the evening, but then there's that chocolate birthday cake to follow (Greta turns 34 today). Please don't judge me if I have a 2nd slice. :)

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    1. I hope you had a good night of chaos and birthday fun! I can't ever judge you for having one extra slice of cake. I turn 34 next week and plan to follow the advice of the wise Marie Antoinette when it comes to cake. :)

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  3. Ha! We are headed to the park today. I'm scared. ;)

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    1. I hope you brought your donuts with you just in case. :)

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