Monday, July 20, 2015

How to keep your kids from crying in 5 easy steps!

Don't force them to wear patriotic headbands. Obviously.
Hello again! I've missed you (I'm saying this while looking in a mirror.)

Today I'd like to share my expertise in one specific area. I've had a lot of practice at this and decided to gather a very helpful, useful, and easy to read list for your learning pleasure.


***Disclaimer: These methods may result misbehavior later in life. It's just a quick fix. Like botox. Sorry.

1. The bait and switch:
When it's time to leave a preferred activity (like visiting a playground, zoo, children's museum, or anything else my toddler is in no way ready to leave) I usually tell him it's time to go and before the crying/whining ensues, I quickly hand him his snack.

Example: "Heeeeenry, it's time to leave the park-heeeey! Look what I found! Your RAISINS! I can't open the box until you are buckled up. Weird. It must be some kind of new brand."

 The happy anticipation of snack will distract him long enough for me to quickly leave without him noticing. Sadly, I expect this method to only work for another 3-6 weeks before he wises up. Unless he's a little slow. One can only hope!

Those are some sharp baby teeth. I feel sorry for that cracker. 
2. Drown them out:
This has nothing to do with a bathtub, I promise. In fact no water will be necessary! This method works best when you are all stuck in a common area with no chance of escape.

Example: Sometimes when my toddler is overtired and we are in the car together, he will begin to whine which will eventually lead to crying. His crying will cause my seven month old to cry. Then both sets of crying will continue at a louder and higher pitch until my ears begin to ring.  Rather than let it cause permanent damage, I've figured out that the best way to stop the madness is to drown them out. I do this by rolling down all four windows and the sunroof. On the freeway. The really windy, loud WOOSH sound never fails to quiet everyone down. Perhaps they hear some sort of secret message in the wind. Something like, "Sssssssssssshuuuuuuuuuuuuuut uuuuuuuuuuuuuup!"

One down, one to go. I just need to open the sunroof for a true Zen driving experience. 

The added bonus of the Drown them out method is that you get instant 80's hair.

Radical bangs. Now I just need to change my name to Deanna.

3. Sacrifice Family Time:
The third step is quite strategic. After spending MINUTES preparing a nutritious and delicious meal (that my toddler barely touches) I notice that he has begun to whine so that he can get down from the table. My cranky seven month old also begins to whine. My husband (who can eat a meal in about 3 minutes) offers to take the children upstairs to bathe. Meanwhile I've been milking the time it takes to eat my dinner. The result is GLORIOUS GLORIOUS SILENCE! Now I can finish my dinner in peace before starting on all those dishes.

Only me and my Perrier to keep me company. 

4. Pick your battles.
Since having kids I've often had to ask myself what's more important, looking stupid or winning a battle? Sometimes the answer is winning. Sometimes it's looking stupid. The key is determining when to do what and where. Confused? Me too.

Example: Lately, Henry has been obsessed with wearing hats and bibs. Well, Macy's hats and bibs anyway. Here we are at the park and he was getting quite upset that I wouldn't allow him the pleasure of wearing this Little Bo Peep style bonnet. I finally gave in so that we could move on with our lives.

Bonnet? Check! Pink sippy cup? Check! Total confidence in self and life? Check!

In this case losing a battle makes the winner (my child) look pretty darn cute!

5. The best step that works EVERY time is-

Both kids are crying while I type this post so I don't have time to list the last step. Sorry.

And there you have it!  How to keep your kids from crying in five four easy steps! Until tomorrow anyway.

Adios! Until the next post.


  1. LOL!! Frankly you deserve mother of the year if you can get them to do anything using raisins as bait! It's only a matter of hours now before Henry discovers that just because raisins are billed "nature's candy" they are nothing to get excited about! And that rolling down the window trick is pure genius!

    1. I should have admitted that raisins no longer work. Now it's all about cranberries and fig newton crackers!

  2. Bwahaha! I totally do the "I can't open it until you're all buckled up" trick! And he does look migty cute in the little bo peep hat.

  3. Dear Deanna,
    I tried the 80s hair trick, but it didn't change mine from silver to brown (my original 80s color). The result was more like Grandpa on the Munsters. I prefer turning the radio up really loud or drowning 'em out with my own loud, obnoxious singing. That'll give the little brats something to cry about.

    1. Ah yes, drowning them out with my obnoxious singing has worked in the past but the problem is that it takes way to much effort. Although it's a great way to practice my Soprano voice singing Phantom of the Opera.

      And I hope that your 80's hair included a mullet.